Chapter 4 // Second Chances

Nothing beats the sea air.  It calms me.  Grounds me.  Makes me feel alive for the right reason.

I dive into the sea and the water splashes up my nostrils.  I want to swim to the horizon.  To be swept away by the current and live out my days floating in the sun.

How could they?  How could he?

I always suspected but I never truly imagined.  Not now.  Now that we've been closer than ever.  Jared had held me all night.  In only hours he'd ripped my heart out.  Rae had stomped all over it.

I spot a familiar face on the beach.  It's damon, Arin's roomate.  He sees me too and waves.

"Damon!" I shout over the sound of the shore.

"Hi!" he calls back.

I head towards him, he looks nervous.

"Hey," I say.

"Hey yourself.  I saw you in there," he says pointing to the sea.  "From up on the pier."

"I'm just cooling off," I tell him.

He's kind of bouncy, hopping from one foot to the other.

"Listen, the other night," he starts.  "I never realised how...erm....pretty you are."

Oh no.  My cheeks blush.  This is not the right time to be telling me this, but I don't stop him from speaking.

"I really want to ask you out sometime," he finishes.

I laugh.  "Well, i'm out now," is all I can think of to say.  "Come swim?"

He looks at the water and rubs the back of his neck with his hand.

"Ugh, I'd love to but..."

"Come on, don't be boring.  You can swim in your pants," I say.

He looks down at his feet.  Shrugs.

"I'm kinda scared of water," he tells me.

"Oh."

We spend the next few hours sitting on the sand, talking, laughing.  I like him.  But I love Jared and it's a hard job pushing my thoughts of him to the back of my mind.

After some persuading I manage to coach him into the water.

"See, it's not so bad," I tell him.

The sun sets behind us.  The sky is a beautiful array of color and in the light of the rising moon, Damon's face glistens.

"You're kinda cute," I say.

"I am?"

Such a lack of confidence for such a decent guy.

He leans in, kisses me lightly on the lips.  I pull back, thinking of Jared.  Thinking of how different Damon's lips feel from his.

But I lean in for more, this time kissing him as if my life depends on it.   Damon wraps his arms around my waist.  The water swishes around our legs, his jeans becoming soaked.

Something inside me sparks and for a moment, there's just me and this guy all alone in the world.  For a moment, life feels good

"Damon, I have to go," I tell him as it gets darker.

"I'll see you soon?" he asks.

Maybe he will.

I'm half way home when I hear the familiar sound of the siren.

Shit.  Not again!

I start thumping my feet into the pavement, running as fast as I can.  I won't be caught today.  No way.  I'm not ending the day being chauffeured home in a copper's car.

I make it home but when I get inside it's so quiet.

RAE:  "Where are you going?" 

JARED:  "I think Robyn just got home."

RAE:  "So?  You're with me now."

JARED:  "So?  So I'm still in charge around here."

There's a knock at my door.  I open it and Jared stands there.  He looks as gorgeous as ever and my heart actually skips a beat.

"Jared," I say.

"Let me come in," he says.  He pushes forward and wraps his arms around me.  I automatically wrap my arms around him until I remember how much I hate him right now.

"What are you doing?"  I ask him.

"I think I made a mistake," he says.

"You think?  You think you made a mistake?  You should know, Jared.  You should know you made a God damn mistake."

I swat him away from me and head out of the house.

He grabs me on the front lawn and tries to drag me back inside but I smack him across the face.

"Get away from me.  You've hurt me for the last time!" I yell at him.

I run down the street, Jared yelling at me from behind.  I dash down the next street and then the next until I'm at my friend Jackie's house.  I ring the door bell, but nobody answers.  Jared runs past the house and I hide in the shadows.

When he's out of sight I head back to the beach.  I pull a beach lounger under the pier and curl up onto it.  I pull my knees to my chest, the chill in the air much colder now it's night time.

The next morning I wake to the sound of seagulls squawking for food.

I can't believe I actually slept at the beach.  I need to get home.  Miss Lotts is back this morning.

As I'm heading back, I bump into Arin.   I carry on walking.  Then I turn around.  I head back towards him.

"Hey, so err.  You should know," I say.  "Rae misses you."

He laughs.

"I know," he replies.

"You should come see her sometime.  Give her another chance," I suggest.

If Arin was back in the picture, Jared would be a distant memory for Rae.

"Maybe," he says.  And then he walks off.

When I get home, Miss Lotts is in my bedroom.

"Hey, you're home!" I say.  "How was your vacation?"

"Where have you been all night, Robyn.  The girls told me you never came home last night.  Is that right?"

I sit on the edge of my bed and think fast on the spot.

"They're lying, Miss Lotts," I say.  "I got home late from a school project and left early this morning to finish up," I tell her.

"Very well," she says, glancing around my bedoom suspiciously.

She leaves the room and I quickly shower and change.  I brush out my hair and spend hours straightening it, staring at my reflection like a zombie.  Staring at my eyes and my nose and my lips, wondering if I'm as pretty as Rae.

The pain is too much.  My insides clench.

I can't go on like this.

Later that night, there's an odd atmosphere in the house.  I decide to show Jared I don't care.  I put on my music and dance around the house.  He sits at the table whilst Rae does her homework and I know he's watching me out of the corner of his eye.

"Turn that crap down," Rae yells at me.

I turn it up.

"Jesus, Robyn.  I'm studying here!"

"So study in your bedroom then," I tell her.

Jared turns the music down but I turn it back up.

There's a knock at the door.

Ellie answers.

ELLIE: "Loverboy is here." 

RAE: "Who?" 

ELLIE:  "Oh I forgot, there's two of them.  I was trying to tell Robyn about you and Jared by the way.  But I couldn't bring myself to say it.  But knowing she walked in on you, I hate myself for letting that happen.  You're a bitch, Rae.  A fat horrible bitch." 

RAE:  "Me?  I'm not the bitch, Ellie!  Robyn has been after my boyfriends since I came to this god damn house.  She only liked Jared because I told her ages ago I had a crush on him!" 

ELLIE:  "Neither of you should be crushing on him.  He's an adult for crying out loud.  He should be arrested!"

I chat with Arin for a while, whilst Ellie goes off to fetch Rae.  He wants to see her.  God knows why, but I'm pleased he does.  Jared stands with us, clearly bothered by the fact Rae's ex boyfriend is here.

"So, there a party tonight, if you guys fancy coming," he says.

"I'd love to," I say without giving it a second thought.  It's better than moping around at home, afterall.

Rae and Ellie come storming into the community living room, Ellie in nothing more than her underwear.

"I'll kill you, you cow!" Rae shouts at her.  Then she slaps her and Arin, Jared and I stand there mouths gaping.

"Alright you two!"  Miss Lotts shouts from the kitchen.  "Break it up."

"I have something to tell you," Ellie says to Miss Lotts.

She can't tell her!  She just can't.  I don't mean to protect him but I can't help it.  I don't want him to go.

"Ellie, later, alright!  Get dressed, we have to go," I say quickly.

Ellie looks at me, nods and does as I say.  She understands.  She won't say anything.  Not today, anyway.

The party is packed and Rae is busy chatting with Arin.  Ellie is with her boyfriend and Jared stands quietly out on the porch.

I can't bear to see him there looking so hot.

I head outside and up onto the second floor of the Youth Bar.

The breeze caresses my face and I breath in the salty air.

"I was looking for you," Jared says from behind me.

I turn to face him.

"Rae's too busy for you now, is she?" I ask through gritted teeth.

"I don't care what Rae's doing," he replies.

"Whatever," I say.

He walks closer towards me.  I don't want to hear what he has to say but I'm putty in his hands.  I want to forget what happened with Rae and be back to normal.

"Let's go home.  Miss Lotts is at the theatre tonight.  We'll have the place to ourselves," he whispers.

Why I agreed, I'm not sure.  But I placed my hand in his and we left the party early.  We couldn't keep our hands off of each other, even before we made it into the house.  He slammed me against the front door, his lips not leaving mine for a second.  I gasped for air whilst he fiddled around in his pocket for the house key.

We tumbled inside and he led me straight to his room.

I'd never wanted him more in my life.

Chapter 3 // She'll Get Over It

"Robyn, I need to talk to you," Ellie says.  She was quiet all the way home on the school bus and now she wants to talk.  Now when I'm knee deep in homework.

"What's up?" I say, placing my pencil on the table.  I have so much to do and only a few minutes to get it done as we're going to the Youth Bar over on the beach tonight.

"Ellie, come over," Jared calls out.

She sighs and balls her fists.

"Tell me later," I say.

She pushes back on her chair and heads over to the communal living room.

"You can't tell her."

"You're an absolute fool.  Wait until Lotts gets home.  I'm telling her everything."

"What's going on over here?" I ask as I approach them.

"Just making sure Ellie's room is tidy before we go," Jared says.

"Well I'm sure it's not," I say.  "But who cares, right?"

"Let's go," Ellie says, grabbing her purse from the floor.

She's not nearly as excited as she usually is.  Jared calls for a taxi and we wait by the door.  Ellie remains quiet and I nudge her playfully.

"Did you and James split?" I ask her.

"Of course not!" she replies.

I wince.  She's so cold with me right now.

"Taxi's here!" Jared yells.

When we arrive at the Youth Bar we're disappointed to see it so empty.

The DJ is great yet only Ellie and I dance.

"What did you want to tell me earlier?" I shout over the music.

"Not now," Ellie shouts back.  She places her hands on my hips and we dance together in a risky kind of way.  I glance around the room and notice a few guys watching us.

"He's cute over there," I say to Ellie, pointing at a dark haired guy in back of the room.  She looks and nods and then strops off of the dance floor.

I sigh and follow her.  We sit at a table in silence and the air between us just seems too awkward now.

Something is really wrong.

JARED:  "I miss you too.  No, I'm not with her.  I swear, Rae.... I'll be home soon."

When we arrive home Rae is in just as much of a stinking mood as Ellie.  Perhaps something was in the cereal this morning.  I'd skipped breakfast.

"I'm going to bed," Rae moans.

"Me too," Ellie says, following close behind Rae.

Those two were the worse of enemies but they had to share a room.  I had my room all to myself.  Well, until they bring the fourth kid in.  I'd heard talks about it between Miss Lotts and a social worker. Apparently we were getting a new girl soon.  I wasn't looking forward to that.  I didn't want to give up my privacy.  Or have another girl to compete with.

"What has been up with everyone tonight?" I ask through gritted teeth after the girls have gone to bed.

"No clue," Jared replies.  "But hey, we're alone."

He winks and for some reason this irks me.  He looks slimey.  Not literally.  You know what I mean.

"Come here," he says, pulling me into his arms.

I'm no longer irritated by him now.  Instead I'm engulfed in his scent and his arms are closed protectively around me.  I let my chin sink into the crook of his neck and the soft warm skin of his cheek brushes against my face.

"It feels so good to hold you," he says.

I nod, look into his eyes.  Smile.

I won't deny him tonight.  I couldn't if I tried.

He is mine and I am his.

We sleep beside one another, our hands locked together under the covers.  His breath tickles my cheek as he falls into a deeper sleep and I wish I could freeze time.  So I could study his face so still and peaceful for eternity.

The next morning I wake up in his arms.

"Morning, cupcake," he whispers.  I grin and nuzzle into him.  He's so warm and soft and perfect.

"You better go back to your room," he says.  "I'd rather spend the whole day here with you though."

I'm disappointed.  But he's right.  I can't be caught sharing his room.

"Miss Lotts is back today," he says.

"I know," I reply.  "Last night was...amazing."

And it kind of was.  It could have been even more so.  We hadn't slept together yet.  Not properly slept together.  Only kissed and some other stuff.

"See you later," I whisper.  I lean in for a kiss and he hesitates for just a moment. "What?"

He shrugs his shoulders.  Looks a bit uncomfortable.

"Nothing, come here," he says.  He places a small kiss on my forehead and I almost say those three little words.

But I don't.  And he doesn't either.

I sleep for a couple more hours that morning until my stomach growls so loud I get up for breakfast.  As I head down the hall I hear snoring in the girls room next to mine.

Hopefully they're both asleep still and I can spend more time alone with Jared.

When I walk into the communal living room, my world shatters.

There's my Jared, embracing Rae.  I'd been right days earlier.  He was seeing her.

"Jared," I whisper.  "How could you?"

Both Rae and Jared turn to face me.  They're red cheeked.  Surprised.  Then Jared smiles in such a way my blood boils and my tummy does flip flops.  Not the happy kind.  The kind that make you feel like you've swallowed metal.

"Robyn," Rae says, reaching out a hand to me."

"You bitch," I say.

"I'm sorry," she is saying over and over.  But I'm walking away.  I'm done.

"She'll get over it," I hear Jared say as I round the corner back to my room.

No.  I will not.

Chapter 2 // Breaking Curfew

I'm suppose to be going out with Jared tonight.  Only to the movies.  But Rae is making me go to Arin's with her.  And honestly, it feels good to blow off Jared now and then.  Maybe he'll realise I'm not just some stupid teenager obsessed with him.

"You knock," Rae urges me.

"Why can't you knock yourself?  He's your ex," I reply.

Her phone begins to ring and I roll my eyes.  I stand waiting, shivering from the chill in the air.  I don't even know why she wants to come here.  Arin dumped her months ago.

"But I need to get laid," she had pleaded with me earlier.  "So get laid by somebody else," I'd told her.  But no.  She'd insisted that we go to Arin's anyway.

Rae is mid conversation when Arin's housemate, Damon, greets me outside the house.

"Robbie?" he says, surprised.  I hate it when people call me Robbie.  He clocks Rae behind me and his shoulders tense.

"What's she doing here?" he asks.

I laugh and give him a smile.

"You know why she's here," I say.

He scratches his cheek and heads back to the house.

"Come on, it's cold out here," he says, beckoning for me to follow.

"Rae!" I yell.  She says her goodbyes on the phone, flicks her hair over her shoulder and follows behind me.

The house smells of take-out pizza.  The grease practically caresses my face as I walk into the kitchen.  I scrunch up my nose.

"Sorry about the smell," Damon says.

"What smell?" Rae asks, smiling, twirling a strand of her blonde hair around her finger.  So innocent and yet, so not.

"So ugh... Is Arin about?" I ask, seeing as Rae is just standing there.

"Nope," Damon says.  "Night shift."

"Well, this is awkward then," I say.

Rae jabs me in the arm.

"Where's your girlfriend?" Rae asks him.

He laughs and his cheeks flush red.  He stands against the counter and sweeps a hand through his hair.

"No girlfriend, I'm afraid," he replies.

"Too bad, you're cute," she says.

"We better be off then," I say to Damon.

"Robyn, no!  We can wait," Rae says.

Damon isn't happy about the idea.  I can tell by the look in his eyes.

"No really.  We should go," I tell her, grabbing her arm.

"Listen, Damon," she says, batting my hand away from her.  "I know Arin hates me right now, but I need to talk to him.  Will you make sure he calls me?" she asks.

"Whoa, that's your's and Arin's business," he says.  "Too complicated for me to get involved."

Rae is ancy now.  She's tapping her foot and biting her lip and I know she wants to get laid but she looks awfully desperate right now.

"Rae, we're going... Now," I say.

I hear a police siren in the background and look at my watch.  Shit.  We broke curfew.

"Damon, the cops are here," I say.  "Go distract them so we can get out the back."

He looks uncomfortable.

"I'll try," he says.

I try to get out the back with Rae but the door is locked and I see no key.

"We're gonna have to go out the front," I whisper.

Rae laughs.

"It's not funny," I tell her.

"Oh lighten' up.  It's just a cop.  I'll show him a boob or something!"

I gasp.  She's so gross.  Really, she's terrible.  But then I laugh because she's funny as hell and I know she'll do it.  She always does.

"I'm sorry officer," I say.

"Just get in the car, I have crime to fight," he says sternly.

In this town? Yeah, right.  I do as I'm told and sit in the back.  Rae's in the front, applying lip gloss in the car mirror.

I roll my eyes.

"Do you want to see something, Officer?" Rae asks.

"Oh my gosh! Rae, no!" I shout from the back seat.

When we arrive home Jared is going ape.  Totally bat-shit crazy.

Rae heads into the house, leaving me alone with jared and his lecturing.

"I was worried sick," he shouts at me.  "What if something had of happened?"

"Nothing did, alright!" I yell at him.

"You're grounded, Robyn," he says.

"Grounded? What the actual eff, Jared.  What are you, my dad?"

He lets his hands rest in his pockets.  This is where it gets complicated.  Is Jared my boyfriend or my guardian?  He works here at Lott's Children's Home, helping Miss Lott to take care of us.  But he kisses me in the dark and promises me a future so perfect I can barely wait.

I follow Rae into the house and slump into the sofa.

"In there, now," Jared says to Rae, pointing towards his room.

"This is all your doing," I can hear him shouting through the wall.

"Like hell it is," she says.  "Just stop being so damn bossy.  You can't tell us what to do!"

"I can and I will.  Miss Lotts is going to hear about this and you'll be shipped off to another home.  Do you want that?"

"Maybe.  Maybe I do, Jared.  I'm not stupid you know.  I know what you and her get up to around here."

"What are you talking about?" he shouts.

"Robyn."

I pull a blanket up over my shoulders and listen intently, but the conversation has ended.

"Get out of my room," he shouts.  "And send Robyn back in."

"So you can give her a goodnight kiss?" she asks as she waltzes out of his room.

She stares daggers at me and I feel my cheeks redden.

"He wants to see you again," she says to me as she passes by and heads to her bedroom.

I nod and slowly push Jared's bedroom door open.

"You wanted to see me again?"

"Where were you anyway?" he asks, calmer now.

"Arin's," I say.

He paces the room and then sits on the bed.

"Why Arin's?"

"Rae wanted to see him," I say.  I'm pleased to tell him too.  He'll hopefully be done with her for good now.  

His face softens and he strokes my cheek.  I want to push myself up against him and be embraced by his warmth but it's too complicated.  I realise this now.  My paranoia and our age and his work position.  It's too much.

"Sleep here tonight?" he asks.

I shake my head.

"No, Jared.  It's too risky.  I can't do this anymore."